What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
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She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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