Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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