She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
