i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
