The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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