just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
