he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
