Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
