How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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