Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
