oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
