cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
