Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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