Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
