just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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