When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
