I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
