I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
