I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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