so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
