I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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