Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
