Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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