i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
