At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
