I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
love makes seman taste better
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
