Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
