I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
