I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
