and she was petting her beer can
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Please don't give away my fajitas
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
