i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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