nut hugger
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
