Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
