Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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