im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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