Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
