i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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