So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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