Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
