Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
