my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
im on a boat
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