So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
