my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
