remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
