if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
