I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
