I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
