Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
