hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
