Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
