Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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