when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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