Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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