It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
