ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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