Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
