If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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