shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
