My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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